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NCRA Issues First Annual “Best Transquips Collection 2008,” Highlighting Funny and Colorful Exchanges From Courtroom Transcripts
VIENNA, VA. (Dec. 30, 2008) – “Transquips” -- unpremeditated colorful, comical courtroom exchanges captured by court reporters — are compiled in the “Best Transquips Collection 2008” released today by the National Court Reporters Association (NCRA), which represents judicial reporting and captioning professionals.
“We have some of 2008’s best slips of the tongue, tortured legalese, and just plain misunderstandings among lawyers, witnesses and judges,” said NCRA President Karen Yates, of Minden, Nev. “They range from the bizarre to the silly, but they all reveal humor in the court.”
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, NCRA submits in evidence the Best Transquips Collection 2008:
Joys of Parenthood – 1
Q. Are you on any type of medication right now that would prohibit you in any way from testifying in this case –
A. I -- I do have to take some pain medicine occasionally, and it does make me a little irritable.
Q. Okay. It doesn't affect your mental state of mind whatsoever.
A. No. Raising four children by myself does that.
Joys of Parenthood – 2
Q. Okay. Do you drink alcohol?
A. No.
Q. Have you ever?
A. Yes.
Q. When did you stop?
A. Shortly after I had my first kid.
Q. Yeah. That's usually when it starts.
Dreadful Drivers -- 1
Q. When was the last time you drove? Years ago?
A. Well, it's when my eyes started getting bad from diabetes.
Q. Okay.
A. Hey, I can drive.
Q. If you had to?
A. Let me tell you I can drive; I just can't see the cars.
Q. Then I appreciate you staying off the road. I'm working on my dad.
A. Okay. If you want me to drive you anywhere, I will, but you'll have to tell me where the cars are.
Dreadful Drivers -- 2
Attorney: Okay. Do you drive a car?
Witness: Not at the time, no.
Attorney: Okay. Does that mean you drive now?
Witness: Huh? No.
Attorney: Okay. You don't have a driver's license?
Witness: I don't have a driver's license, no, because if you're under 21 in the state of Illinois, they take your license after two moving violations, and I just -- I think I failed to stop -- I didn't fail. You know, I just kind of lightly went through the stop sign and they took it away.
Attorney: Let me be more specific. My question is do you know how to drive a car?
Witness: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Attorney: Just not well.
The Witness: Obviously.
Anatomy 101
Q. Which knee was it that was injured?
A. My left one.
Q. How do you know?
A. I can't forget. It still pains me. Do you want to see the scars?
Q. No. Are you sure it wasn't another knee? Let me ask you this: How many knees do you have?
Anatomy 102 or The Right to Bear Arms
Q. You were armed, Officer?
A. No.
Q. Was your partner?
A. No.
Q. Where were your arms placed at the time?
A. They were locked away in my locker.
Q. Where were your arms?
A. My arms?
Q. Yes, forgive me.
A. My arms were right in front of me.
Anatomy 103 or Off with their Heads!
Mr. Roper: Is there anybody that would like me to read the full statute of that offense? I see no heads -- or I see no hands. Let me read to you the elements of -- yes, I see you all have your heads. Generally, firmly attached to the shoulders is the device called the neck. I see no hands raised -- even the court reporter is kind of giggling.
Legal Etiquette--1
Q. Mr. Jones, did you do anything to get ready for today's deposition?
A. Shower.
Q. Okay. I'm glad you showered, Mr. Jones. I appreciate that. I did the same.
Legal Etiquette—2 or Kids Say the Darnedest Things!
A 5-year-old girl who had just had her adoption hearing by the judge.
LITTLE GIRL: Why do you have a nightgown on?
THE COURT: Well, I just got up.
LITTLE GIRL: Why do you leave it on?
THE COURT: I'm going to go back to bed as soon as I get done here. I got to get my rest. I'll go to sleep here in a minute.
LITTLE GIRL: Now you can go back to bed.
THE COURT: I have a couple more things to do, and then I'm going. You can count on that.
Say again?
Q. Did Dr. Lee speak Korean?
A. That I don't know, but he spoke to me in Korean.
How to Answer Questions
Q. Does he ever take the dogs anywhere?
A. He takes them fishing.
Q. Where does he take them fishing? Do you know?
A. No. To the water.
Q. What does he fish for?
A. Fish.
Too much information
Q. Did I ask you if you were married?
A. You haven't. You didn't ask me that.
Q. Are you married?
A. My wife's deceased. I have been married.
Q. Huh?
A. I have been married. My wife, she passed.
Q. She passed? Just one time?
A. Just one time.
Phone plan follies
A. These are all phone numbers of -- well...
Q. Of what?
A. People that sell drugs, and friends and family. And I have Dave's number in there.
Q. Dave? Who is Dave?
A. My attorney.
MR. JONES: I'm not one of the drug dealers.
Q. (By Mr. Smith) I was wondering how the attorney fit into the friends, family, and drug dealer plan. I guess you have to have an attorney when you have that kind of plan. Don't you?
MR. JONES: Friends, family, drug dealers, and attorney.
Phone felony?
Q. But you found out that someone had been shot by a phone call from Mr. Jones?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Were any of you all injured?
A. Not that I could recall, sir.
Importance of Accuracy
ATTORNEY: This deposition is very important so the transcript has to be accurate.
COURT REPORTER: As opposed to receiving an inaccurate transcript?
ATTORNEY: (Laughter)
COURT REPORTER: Are you sure you want an accurate transcript and not an inaccurate one? You know we charge more for those.
ATTORNEY: (Laughter)
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The National Court Reporters Association, a 23,000-member nonprofit organization, represents the judicial reporting and captioning professions. Members include official court reporters, deposition reporters, broadcast captioners, providers of realtime communication access services for deaf and hard-of-hearing people and others who capture and convert the spoken word into information bases and readable formats. Its main Web site is at www.ncraonline.org
Posted December 29, 2008